I still can't believe that she's gone, it seems unreal to me. I'm not used to coming home and not seeing her face. Coming down the stairs and walking out the door and not having to tell her goodbye and that I'll call if I'm going to be home late so she doesn't worry. It seems weird, since I'm 22, that I used to have to do that or even that I lived with her for so long. She was all I had for a long time and there for me when no one else was. I lived with her for about 80% of my life. I don't know what life is like without her and I'm scared to find out.
I never thought that I would actually miss her calling me every 5 minutes to ask me where I was.
I guess we take what we have for granted. I know that I did and I wish in a lot of ways that I could take a lot of things back, but I can't. That's just life. Some days it's cruel and wicked, other days we dance. You just have to learn to deal and roll with the punches.
All I know is that I'm not ready for tomorrow or Monday. I was never good at saying goodbye, I don't think I ever will be. Good at it or not, it's an inevitable fact of life. I said what I had to say to her before she ran out of time, I made my peace with her and she knew that I loved her; I know she loves me and that she will always be with me, whether she's here in the flesh or not. I think that's all that matters.
On Monday when they lower that casket I'm going to say "Aloha" instead of goodbye, because in Hawaii it means hello and goodbye. It's not really goodbye, any way. Right?
"All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise."
I knew that this was coming, so why is it still so shocking to me? Why am I still in daze? Why hasn't it hit me? It should have the day it happened. No one lives forever. Death and saying goodbye are just unavoidable. She doesn't really have to be gone, she's only gone if I believe that she's gone and to me she's always going to live on. Through me. She'll always be in my heart and maybe now that she's watching over me I'll start to have a change of luck. I need it now that I'm basically homeless and without the one person who always looked out for me no matter what.All that really matters to me is that she's at peace now and she's not hurting anymore. I couldn't stand to see her in pain anymore, it was killing me. Now she's in a better place, reunited with my papa and all of the people she loved, who loved her, who left before she did. She's breathing without tubes and the aid of machines. She's walking and she can do the things that she once loved to do but became debilitating. She can laugh, she can smile, she can run, she can do whatever she wants for herself now. That's all that matters to me. She knows I love her and I know she loves me. Run and laugh and smile and dance grandma, where ever you are, for me. Every time I smile, laugh, sing, run, dance, etc it's going to be for you. I will never let you down and I will never disappoint you.
All I have to say to the masses is just this:
Cry if you want to cry. Sing if you want to sing. Dance if you want to dance. Love if you want to love. Laugh if you want to laugh. Don't worry about what anyone else is going to say, think, or feel about you...you have the freedom and the ability to live. So live. LIVE. Like tomorrow will never get here.
Bad stuff happens to everyone, every day, but you can't let that stop you from living. Don't ever forget to live, to smile, to love, to laugh, to enjoy every moment you are blessed with, with all of the people you're fortunate enough to have in your life. Don't let the bad skew your view on life, in general, because the sun can't always shine forever...the world needs storms to stay healthy and beautiful; so do people. If you want a rainbow and warm sunny day, you have to have a storm every once and a while. That's one thing I've learned through all of the terrible things that have happened to me since childhood.
"All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
♥
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